Have you ever heard that song, ‘I
have an iceberg where my heart used to be, am so cold am so cold am so cold?’I
can’t remember who sang it but it really struck a chord with me because it
defines how I felt for the longest time. I didn't feel a thing, for anyone, no
matter what they did, and no matter how much I tried to care, I just couldn't.
I thought I was being strong, the- cliché independent -woman, but in reality I
was dead inside.
I was also in denial about it for the longest time;
I pushed it to the back of my head and moved on with life. Every once in a
while though, it would hit me that things were not as they should be, but then something else would come up and I would
move on with life
It started with a break up,
probably about five years ago. I loved this guy or at least thought I did; I
was young, he was older. It was fun to begin with, he took me places I had
never been, showed me things I had only ever dreamed of and for a really long
time I thought I was happy with him and I turned a blind eye to the little
things that didn't seem add up. I told myself that I loved him and that he
loved me back, but that wasn't true because he made me do things for him that I
didn’t want to, that weren’t right. And still he ended up hooking up with
another woman and getting a baby with her behind my back.
I was devastated when I found out;
I called off the whole thing. After that I dated a couple of guys from school
and of course those didn’t work out. I had carried a lot of luggage from that
first relationship. And then I met another guy, handsome, polished, successful,
kind and caring, anything you would want in a man. Now this one am sure I was
in love with and it was intense. But it was not to be, after two years, I realized
that this relationship was not heading anywhere. At the end of the day all I
wanted was to meet a man I could love, who would love me, settle down with him
and start a family.
Now this break up was really hard,
I remember walking down the streets, tears rolling down my cheeks, strangers
looking at me like I've lost my mind, or worse asking me if I was okay. I would
seat in the matatu and think of him and before I knew it, the tears would start
and I couldn't stop them. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. The
only thing that was keeping me away was the knowledge that I had made the right
decision. It was so hard that I even cut off my hair in mourning but eventually,
I got over it, or at least I think I did.
It was never the same with a guy after that, I
had lost the ability to trust, to show my vulnerabilities. I had lost the
ability to love and to be open about it. I was always on my guard lest I got
hurt again. .i think this is what they mean when they talk about soul ties.
When you connect with someone so intimately that it feels like your souls have meshed.
You can sense that they are about to call, when you are going to see them, how
they are feeling before they even say it e.t.c.
Now that I’m thinking about getting
married, I realize how important it is, to get healing from you past
relationships and start your marriage on a clean slate. You need to get rid of
the baggage that is your past relationships from both your head and your heart.
You do this by naming and breaking every soul tie that you ever made.
Consciously deciding that you are going to leave the past behind and deciding
to forgive anyone who hurt you, then you move on with your life. I read about
it and decided to try it and it works! It feels like a great weight has been lifted
off my shoulder. As cliché as this sounds I can love again! and yes I read myself
hides:-)I can be open and vulnerable and most importantly I can be happyJTake a leaf from my book,
why don’t you..
I remain as always yours,
Mwara.
