ON LIVING WITH ECZEMA:

Eczema - Eczema is a condition that causes the skin to become itchy, red, dry and cracked. It is a long-term or chronic, condition. Atopic eczema can vary in severity and most people are only mildly affected. Severe symptoms include cracked, sore and bleeding skin. People with atopic eczema usually have periods when symptoms are less noticeable, as well as flare-ups when symptoms become more severe, needing additional treatment (source).

The first time that I realized I was different was when I was 6 years old. My teacher noticed the bleeding scabs on my joints and she got concerned and sent me home. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but after a visit to the doctor, I finally had a name for it ECZEMA. At first we didn't really know how to deal with it, the steroid ointments I was given weren't very effective and it got worse before we finally got the right combination to handle it.

                The doctor told us that it would disappear in 2 years, 5 years and then 10 years, am 28 years old now and it hasn't disappeared yet but the intensity of the attacks has reduced over the years. I still maintain hope that one day I will get some medicine that will clear the rashes permanently. Right now I rarely get scabby but my skin breaks out into rashes every once in a while and parts of my body look like I have goose bumps. I also have some scars from previous break outs. It’s not really that bad I can usually hide it under my clothes.

                I was lucky growing up, I know that kids can be cruel but not the ones I went to school with. The questions were there of course but once you answered them that was it. They and my family accepted me with my imperfections and my childhood went on blissfully. I am eternally grateful for that because it gave me the confidence to go through life blissfully unaware that I am different. In fact the only time that the topic of my skin came up in a negative light, was this one time when I was hanging out with a group of guys and they started calling me CHICKEN SKIN.I remember being confused, ‘were they really  talking about me? ‘In that manner, who raised them!!?It shows you how sheltered I have been and how grateful I am for the people I went to school with and the people in my life because  I can imagine how low my self esteem would be if I had.

                Most of the time I don’t realize that I’m any different; I always have a tube of Dermovate and some Celestamine to take care of any breakouts. I think that life is short so I tend to live it up quite a bit, I don’t let a little rash stop me .Which is kind of counterproductive I know and I’m working on it. I like to party and eat all the wrong foods; I’m working on it though. I avoid make up though and certain scents and soaps, certain hair products. Basically anything that causes a break out. I also have to avoid stress which is not always possible but causes some major breakouts on my skin. And of course take lots and lots of water. I guess my skin is a litmus test for when I ingest something toxic and the trick is to live as healthy a life as possible.

                I have also been really lucky with the people I have in my life. The guys I have dated, my friends and family. They are just amazing I have never felt like I am any different. Which is what we are all looking for unconditional loveJSo that’s one facet of my life, some have it better and some have it worse, such is life, I guess I am one of the lucky ones.

                You might wonder why am writing about something so personal and close to my heart. Someone might be going through the same thing or worse. It always helps to know that you are not alone,that you are beautiful and wonderfully made.“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.” 

― Steve Maraboli.

As always and sincerely,

Mwara.

On breaking the ties from the past.

Have you ever heard that song, ‘I have an iceberg where my heart used to be, am so cold am so cold am so cold?’I can’t remember who sang it but it really struck a chord with me because it defines how I felt for the longest time. I didn't feel a thing, for anyone, no matter what they did, and no matter how much I tried to care, I just couldn't. I thought I was being strong, the- cliché independent -woman, but in reality I was dead inside.

 I was also in denial about it for the longest time; I pushed it to the back of my head and moved on with life. Every once in a while though, it would hit me that things were not as they should be, but  then something else would come up and I would move on with life

It started with a break up, probably about five years ago. I loved this guy or at least thought I did; I was young, he was older. It was fun to begin with, he took me places I had never been, showed me things I had only ever dreamed of and for a really long time I thought I was happy with him and I turned a blind eye to the little things that didn't seem add up. I told myself that I loved him and that he loved me back, but that wasn't true because he made me do things for him that I didn’t want to, that weren’t right. And still he ended up hooking up with another woman and getting a baby with her behind my back.

I was devastated when I found out; I called off the whole thing. After that I dated a couple of guys from school and of course those didn’t work out. I had carried a lot of luggage from that first relationship. And then I met another guy, handsome, polished, successful, kind and caring, anything you would want in a man. Now this one am sure I was in love with and it was intense. But it was not to be, after two years, I realized that this relationship was not heading anywhere. At the end of the day all I wanted was to meet a man I could love, who would love me, settle down with him and start a family.

Now this break up was really hard, I remember walking down the streets, tears rolling down my cheeks, strangers looking at me like I've lost my mind, or worse asking me if I was okay. I would seat in the matatu and think of him and before I knew it, the tears would start and I couldn't stop them. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. The only thing that was keeping me away was the knowledge that I had made the right decision. It was so hard that I even cut off my hair in mourning but eventually, I got over it, or at least I think I did.

 It was never the same with a guy after that, I had lost the ability to trust, to show my vulnerabilities. I had lost the ability to love and to be open about it. I was always on my guard lest I got hurt again. .i think this is what they mean when they talk about soul ties. When you connect with someone so intimately that it feels like your souls have meshed. You can sense that they are about to call, when you are going to see them, how they are feeling before they even say it e.t.c.

Now that I’m thinking about getting married, I realize how important it is, to get healing from you past relationships and start your marriage on a clean slate. You need to get rid of the baggage that is your past relationships from both your head and your heart. You do this by naming and breaking every soul tie that you ever made. Consciously deciding that you are going to leave the past behind and deciding to forgive anyone who hurt you, then you move on with your life. I read about it and decided to try it and it works! It feels like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulder. As cliché as this sounds I can love again! and yes I read myself hides:-)I can be open and vulnerable and most importantly I can be happyJTake a leaf from my book, why don’t you..

I remain as always yours,

Mwara.